I look better un-naked...
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
