Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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