Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
