I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize