be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
