Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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