my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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