I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize