But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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