I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I wish there were birth control emojis
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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