I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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