i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
