he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
