I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
