morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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