I looked at my own cervix.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
