I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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