I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
accomplished twins. life is a go
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
