the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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