I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
