i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
