So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
how drunk are you?
Several
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
