Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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