[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
