Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
