My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
