Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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