allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I FOUND THE LEGS
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
