Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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