dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
