3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
