dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
