Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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