Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
