Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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