i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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