my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
