my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
