i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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