im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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