I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
