Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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