I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
