I am puke
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize