Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
