im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Randomize
