So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize