I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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