Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
