I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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