I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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