peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize
