sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
