True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
