I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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