So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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