all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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