Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
