i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
