He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
