so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
