I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
