Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
My ATM looks so different sober.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
