I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
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