literally had 100 drinks last night.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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