I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
