You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
