I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize