It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
