I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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