He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
